Tuesday, April 29, 2008

XX. 4/29/08

The men and women before her stared in anticipation. She saw those from her precinct along with scores of unfamiliar warriors. Even Chief Kalel joined, and sported a smashingly trendy new cape.

"I see my countrymen, poultrymen, who have come to battle the Porks!" she yelled. "You gather behind me, Grimironie Von Farmer!"

A tangy D.C.D.A from a foreign precinct shouted, "You're not Grimironie Von Farmer! She's ten feet tall and has a better rack!" The crowd murmured in agreement.

"Aye!" Grimironie commanded, ""She's ten feet tall with a better rack!" She drove Mongoose back and forth in front of the masses. "And she shoots microwaves through her eyes! And marinade out of her arse!"

The crowd fell silent. Three coughed and shook his head "no." "That just didn't sound right." He said. She nodded in understanding.

"So anyways," she continued, "I am Grimironie Von Farmer! And I say, they can take our cul-de-sacs, they can take our commercial airtime, but they Can't Take Our Poultry!"

The army before her stomped and screamed. She was a hit! Cool.

"Grim!" Crispy barked. She turned around. The ugliest, stinkiest horde of Porks had assembled across the field. Far behind them, atop the hill was a familiar figure upon a gleaming ATV: Snake B. Bauer. "They're sending a messenger to give their terms!"

Grimironie turned on Mongoose and sped to the center of the field. Two Porks rode to meet her with a meatpacking parchment. The taller of the Porks ceremoniously unwrapped the parchment from a slab of bacon, and dropped the bacon onto the grass.

"Bauer's terms." The Pork scoffed. "Remove all of your chicken farmers from Wisconsin. He will grant you a right to all states from Georgia to Baja California southward, provided that no D.C.D.A.'s venture into his territory..."

Grimironie circled the Porks as the tall one read.

"Sign a contract which binds all of your cereal rights, and agree to purchase all chickenfeed from Pigsy Porkster." The Pork trembled under Grimironie's forceful stare.

"You can tell Bauer to sell his mama to a vanity press for all I care. I'll give you my conditions... tell Bauer to turn tail and run now, or I'll have you all encased in the world's largest can of Spam, and put you on display for the delight of all the school children in the United States of America, so that they can laugh and frolic at your demise!"

The Porks grunted, "It's your funeral!"

"I'm not done yet!" Grimironie continued, "And tell Bauer that I'll wax him from head to toe, and take out billboards across the country proclaiming that he's lost all of his testosterone!"

The taller Pork snorted, "You're fricassee! Up you're's"

"I'll show you what you get for bad spelling," Grimironie whispered as she sped back to her men.

"Kate Thornton!" She yelled, "Take your snipers and flee! Circle around behind the Porks, and hold the high ground behind them!"

Kate winked, "Niiice."

"Let them see you flee!" Grimironie instructed.

"Yeah, well, you can't miss it, can you?" Kate said. "Look, we're fleeing everyone! Didja notice that? Ray Charles would see it if he were still here. Fleeing. Fleeing. Here we go." Her voice diminished as she left. "Still fleeing now! Obvious to everyone..."

What a gal!

"D.C.D.A.'s!" Grimironie yelled, "Don't shoot until you can smell their trichinosis!"

Her army coughed and laughed.

"What the heck; shoot when they're in range!"

"No kidding," said Haskins.

The army prepared for the onslaught. A thousand basters cocked in unison.

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